


Honey Bee

by Tosun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6053902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tosun/pseuds/Tosun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To Baekhyun, depression feels like falling into a black hole but staying in the same place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honey Bee

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Please leave a comment!

All was silent with the exception of quiet beeps in the room. In the distance, he could hear faint voices but he couldn't recognize who they belonged to. Where was he? Everything was white and he could barely move. What happened? His memory was skewed.

"I'm such an idiot." a voice said, sounding closer. "Why didn't I just stay with you? It's all my fault."

Feeling a wave of confusion roll over him, Baekhyun looked around, wanting to find where the voice came from. It was almost as if he was on a blank white canvas. There was nothing.

Lifting his right arm, Baekhyun looked down. His skin was pale, almost sickly so. Wrapped up his arm were clean, white bandages. When he lifted up his left arm, the same bandages were there as well but they had splotches of red leaking through the cloth.

"Why did you do it?" the voice spoke again, causing Baekhyun to jump and spin around to find whoever was speaking. "Why couldn't I save you?"

Opening his mouth, nothing came out. Baekhyun swallowed the lump down in his throat before clearing it and taking a deep breath.

"Hello?" Baekhyun called, "Who's there?"

At first, there was just silence. It was a painful silence that made him hunch over and wince, hand reaching out to grab at his side. Clenching his teeth together, Baekhyun moved his head up, eyes moving across the white nothingness.

"You don't know who I am?"

The voice had a worried and caring tone to it and to Baekhyun's surprise, the jarring pain in his side subsided as he listened to whoever was speaking to him.

"I'm so worried about you."

"But where are you?" Baekhyun asked, voice coming out quieter than he had intended. "I can't see you."

Standing up straighter, Baekhyun felt a gentle breeze begin to blow on his face and through his hair. The warm air surprised him. Where did it come from?

"I'm right here." gently, the voice cooed. "You have to look harder."

"Look harder?" Baekhyun asked, eyebrows quirking up as he turned his head, trying to see who the voice belonged to. "I don't understand."

Baekhyun took a small step forward, anxiously nibbling at his bottom lip.

"Can you feel me?"

Baekhyun stayed still, waiting to feel something, anything at all, but he didn't. Blinking a few times, Baekhyun shook his head.

"Am I supposed to?" Baekhyun asked, letting out a small sigh. "I just can't."

"I'm here, follow my voice."

Baekhyun squinted his eyes, trying to look further into the white, but he only saw nothing.

"I don't get it," Baekhyun shook his head. "What's happening to me?"

"You don't remember?"

"No! I don't remember anything! I don't even know what's going on right now." Baekhyun said, voice quivering as he held back tears. "I'm so scared."

"Don't cry, baby boy. Stay strong for me."

Baekhyun moved his arm up and roughly wiped the tears streaming down his cheeks, sniffling.

"Where are you?" Baekhyun asked, forcing a sob back down. "I'm so alone."

The overwhelmingly white space around him was slowly beginning to turn darker. The endlessly high walls started to turn black as shadows crept across the surface. The smooth white floor started to disappear, looking like a void that he could fall into and never be seen again.

Gasping as the floor underneath him began to disappear, only left with a few tiles to stand on, Baekhyun began to bawl.

The bandages on his arms were gone and Baekhyun could see angry red slashes on his skin. Deep cuts sliced up his arms, both left and right.

"Please help me!" he screamed out, unable to take much more of the darkness and terror he felt.

Why wasn't the voice speaking to him anymore? Was he truly alone?

 

"Baekhyun, have you eaten today?" Chanyeol asked as he peered into the room, eyes watching Baekhyun with worry.

"Not hungry." Baekhyun replied with a shrug, pulling the covers of his bed up over his head as he nuzzled deeper into his pillow.

"Are you sure?"

"Yup." Baekhyun mumbled.

Chanyeol hummed and continued to watch Baekhyun.

"You can't stay in bed all day like you did yesterday. That's not healthy." he said softly, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." Baekhyun said, "I just have a bad headache."

The silence that came after speaking was almost deafening. Baekhyun knew that silence. Chanyeol didn't believe him.

"How about after I get out of the shower, we cuddle on the couch and find a fun movie to watch?" Chanyeol suggested, and even though Baekhyun could hear the smile in his voice, it didn't cheer him up like it usually did.

Baekhyun stayed quiet, holding the blankets tightly in his hand as he squeezed his eyes shut. He could feel Chanyeol's eyes on him, concerned and not knowing what to do.

It physically pained Baekhyun that he was making Chanyeol go through so much. He was trying his best and Baekhyun was treating him like he was worthless. Even without looking, Baekhyun knew Chanyeol was still standing in the doorway with a sad look on his face. He couldn't stand it.

"Am I not trying hard enough, Baek?" Chanyeol asked quietly, taking a step forward into the room, the wooden floor squeaking quietly underneath his feet. "What should I be doing differently to help you?"

Baekhyun fought back the tears growing in his eyes, staying as still as possible while taking shallow breaths even though it was hard to hide his sobs.

"I want to help you. Please let me."

Shaking his head, Baekhyun's grip on his blanket tightened.

"Get out."

Another insufferable silence filled the room after hearing a small gasp escape Chanyeol's slightly parted lips.

"What?" Chanyeol finally asked after just standing there in shock for two or three minutes, eyes not leaving the bed where Baekhyun was covered, hiding under a mountain of blankets.

"Get. Out." Baekhyun repeated with a more raised voice, jaw clenching.

"Did I do something wrong?" Chanyeol asked quietly, "I'm so sorry about whatever I did. I didn't mean to hurt you, Baek, I-"

"Just leave me alone and get the hell out!" Baekhyun yelled, unable to listen to Chanyeol's sad voice any longer. "I hate you, leave me alone and stop bothering me all the time!"

Baekhyun was shocked with the words that came out of his own mouth and wanted to instantly take them back and apologize but before he could, it was too late. Sitting up and peering out of the blankets, Chanyeol was gone. Baekhyun stared at the bedroom door, hearing shuffling as Chanyeol quickly slid his shoes on before hurrying out of the front apartment door.

Hearing the door quietly click shut made Baekhyun want to start crying for Chanyeol to come back.

Why did he say that to him? He didn't hate Chanyeol at all, it was quite the opposite, really. Chanyeol was the love of his life. What the hell was wrong with him? Chanyeol was an angel and always looked after him even in his darkest times and that was how he repaid him?

He was horrible. Baekhyun didn't know why he even deserved Chanyeol or anyone at all. He just pushed them away like they were worthless, meaningless. Baekhyun would never be able to take those words back. How much was Chanyeol hurting? Did those words break his heart? Where was he going? He wasn't crying, was he?

Baekhyun blinked away his tears as his eyes became blurry, quickly getting out of bed for the first time that day.

"Chanyeol, wait! I'm so sorry."

Baekhyun sprinted down the hall and turned the corner, but Chanyeol was definitely gone. His shoes were gone and so were his keys and wallet. Chanyeol didn't get upset often but when he did, he tended to go for little drives to feel better. But this was different.

Baekhyun had never told Chanyeol that he hated him before. It wasn't true, oh god it wasn't true. He felt sick to his stomach and it was starting to get difficult to breath as if the walls were caving in on him. His lungs screamed for air and his entire body went numb. His head burned and his heart was shattered. How could he be such a horrible person?

Baekhyun began to cry, leaning forward and holding his face in his hands as he rested his elbows on the kitchen counter. When would Chanyeol be back? How would he even be able to apologize for what he said? He was worthless. Chanyeol deserved better.

Opening his eyes, Baekhyun wiped them with his arm, glancing at the counter. The knife Chanyeol used earlier to cut carrots for his salad was sitting in the sink, washed.

Baekhyun was drawn to it.

 

"Chanyeol, oh god, where are you?" Baekhyun yelled, grabbing his hair as he tried to stay on the white tiles, the rest of the floor around him crumbling. "I can't live without you. I'm so sorry."

Baekhyun cried out as the few remaining tiles under him began to break apart and shatter into small pieces. He was about to fall. He couldn't balance anymore.

Screwing his eyes shut, Baekhyun braced himself to fall, but he never did.

A gentle, warm touch grazed across his cheek. It was different from the coldness the rest of his body felt. Baekhyun dared not move, though his head turned slightly, leaning into the warmth.

"My sweet prince," the familiar voice whispered, Baekhyun almost feeling puffs of breath with each word against his skin. "Open your eyes."

Baekhyun wanted to open his eyes, but he was afraid.

"I can't." Baekhyun stammered, nostrils flaring as he once again held back the tears growing in his eyes.

"Yes you can. I believe in you."

Baekhyun whined quietly and shook his head, sobbing.

"When I count to three, I want you to open your eyes for me."

Baekhyun's bottom lip began to tremble, body shaking.

"I don't want to." he whimpered, taking a step to move back.

"One."

Baekhyun could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks, legs growing weak. The warm sensation on his face moved, sweeping across his skin in the most gentle way, drying his tears.

"Two."

He felt like he was spiraling into a black hole even though he hadn't fallen yet. The floor underneath him had given out, everything broken and crumbled away, but he was still in the same spot.

Baekhyun tensed up.

 

 

Baekhyun gripped the knife in his hand, other hand holding onto the edge of the kitchen counter. Everything was dizzy and the room was starting to spin. Looking down, he could see large, bright red puddles splattered on the white tile floor. Smears of crimson decorated the counter where he was grabbing, but it was growing harder to stay up, legs becoming weaker.

Staring blankly at the door, Baekhyun could almost hear the faint jingling of keys as they fiddled in the lock. When the door opened, Baekhyun was surprised, though too dazed to really notice Chanyeol walking inside the apartment, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

There was a noise of something dropping to the floor after Chanyeol gasped, but everything was in slow motion so Baekhyun couldn't fully tell what was going on. He could see Chanyeol's eyes, big and terrified as he stared, mouth agape.

Baekhyun weakly chuckled, grip on the knife loosening until it dropped out of his fingers, clattering onto the tile floor. Almost falling over, Baekhyun held onto the counter with both hands, but his legs weren't able to stay strong anymore. With a soft breath, Baekhyun felt himself crumbling until there was a dull smack, head connecting with the counter before his body fell to the ground.

Things were going in and out of his mind and it felt like he was swimming, body cold at first before eventually numbing. One moment, he was face down on the floor and the next, he was turned over with his back in Chanyeol's lap, face being cradled with big, warm hands.

Baekhyun could hear screaming but it sounded so far away, so distant. He couldn't make out what was being said and even as his cheeks were lightly slapped and he was yelled at to stay awake and keep his eyes open, he just smiled and let his eyes flutter closed.

 

"Three."

 

Baekhyun didn't want to open his eyes, the fear becoming overwhelmingly strong. What would he see? Was someone with him? Would he open his eyes only to see nothing again? Pure white or pitch blackness?

With fluttering eyelashes, Baekhyun opened his eyes slowly. At first it was hard to focus on the face in front of him because it was so close, but after a few blinks, he knew who it was.

"Chanyeol!" Baekhyun gasped and threw his arms around Chanyeol's neck, hugging him tightly as he sobbed into his chest. "I was so scared. I didn't know where you were, I was all alone and-"

Feeling Chanyeol's hand lightly rubbing his back made Baekhyun go silent, just nuzzling his face against his firm chest.

Taking a deep breath, he could smell the strong cologne that Chanyeol always wore and never left the house without spraying on five or six times. Chanyeol had a habit of putting too much on, but Baekhyun secretly loved it because he always smelled exactly like Chanyeol after hugging him.

"You've never been alone, honey bee." Chanyeol whispered, face buried in Baekhyun's light brown curls. Baekhyun smiled, hearing one of many nicknames Chanyeol liked calling him. Being called 'honey bee' was one of Baekhyun's favorites, though he had never told Chanyeol before.

"I'm so sorry." Baekhyun breathed out, "I wasn't thinking. I just wanted the pain to go away."

Chanyeol's hand rubbing his back made Baekhyun feel safe and comforted. Hiccuping quietly, Baekhyun sniffled, looking up at Chanyeol.

"I don't hate you." Baekhyun whispered. "I could never hate you, Yeoli."

Chanyeol smiled and pulled Baekhyun closer once more for another hug, hand resting on the back of Baekhyun's head as he held him tight.

"I know you didn't mean it." Chanyeol said quietly, "You love me more than I could ever imagine, just like how I love you."

Baekhyun smiled and wiped his tear streaked face against Chanyeol's chest.

"But you have to wake up."

Baekhyun looked up, gazing into Chanyeol's eyes.

"Wake up?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Yes." Chanyeol cooed. "I'll be waiting for you once you wake up. Take a deep breath, close your beautiful eyes, and use all of your strength to come back to me."

Baekhyun's eyes widened as Chanyeol began to slip from his arms.

"No, don't leave me!" he cried out, watching as Chanyeol slowly started to fade.

"Wake up, little prince. Wake up."

 

Light trickled in through the blinds, causing Baekhyun to grunt quietly and squint his shut eyes. Nose crinkling, he turned his head to the side, resting his cheek into an unfamiliar pillow.

Sounds were beginning to register with him. He could hear quiet beeping noises along with hushed voices. Moving his arm, he felt resistance and a small sting, making him stop and whine.

"Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun turned his head to the other side when he heard a voice say his name. As a soft hand caressed his face, his eyes began to open.

The first thing he saw was the IV in his arm between soft white bandages. When he looked up, Baekhyun could see a crisp white ceiling and slowly began to notice someone sitting right next to him.

Baekhyun moved his gaze, landing on two large, almost puppy-like eyes, that were staring at him.

"You're awake." relief washed through Chanyeol's voice as he took a deep breath, smile growing on his tired looking face. "I was so scared. I thought I was going to lose you."

A small smile spread across Baekhyun's lips.

"I love you, Chanyeol."

The first words that came out of Baekhyun's mouth seemed to catch Chanyeol by surprise, Baekhyun could tell. Chanyeol's smile grew, but this time for different reasons, and his eyes became shiny as they filled with tears.

"I love you too, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun closed his eyes as Chanyeol leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"Chanyeol?" Baekhyun asked, opening his eyes as he felt Chanyeol lean back into his chair.

"Yes?" Chanyeol perked up, giving Baekhyun's hand a gentle squeeze as he looked at him.

"Am I your honey bee?"

Chanyeol hummed and smiled, looking away from Baekhyun. Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol's gaze rested on their hands, fingers delicately laced together. Chanyeol's hands were much bigger than his smaller, petite ones.

"You'll always be my honey bee." Chanyeol whispered, stroking Baekhyun's hand with his thumb, "Always."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to let out my feelings after being in a bad state of depression for a while. It's choppy and confusing and jumps around a bit, but that was what I was going for, since that's how it felt for me. Thank you for reading.


End file.
